American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee: Talking to Your Kids About The Conflict in Iraq

Raising Arab-American children can be a challenge. There is a constant tug-of-war between the Arab culture from back home and the American culture right here. The continuous political strife taking place between the United States and the Arab World only adds to this challenge, particularly in times of military conflict. This page is meant as a tool for Arab-American parents faced with explaining the military conflict taking place in Iraq as well as the related graphic images to your kids.

"Children's age and individual personality influence their reactions to stories they hear and images they see about violent acts in the newspapers and on television . . . Some children are naturally more prone to be fearful and thus news of a dangerous situation may heighten their feelings of anxiety. Some children or teens may be more sensitive to, or knowledgeable about, the situation if they are the same nationality of those who are fighting. Children who know someone involved in the area of the acts may be especially affected by the events." -Robin F. Goodman, Ph.D., Director of the NYU Child Study Center

"Children this age confuse facts with their fantasies and fear of danger. They can be easily overwhelmed. They do not yet have the ability to keep things in perspective and may be unable to block out troubling thoughts." -Robin F. Goodman, Ph. D., Director of the NYU Child Study Center

"Preschoolers generally view TV as a magic window into the world and have trouble separating the images they see on TV from their daily lives. Like babies and toddlers, preschoolers will focus on sights and sounds like bombs, guns and loud noises. Shield them from media coverage of war and violence whenever possible." -PBS Parents

"Children absorb more than we think and exposure to images of carnage can lead to confusion and fear for their own safety. If you can get your news from the radio or print media while they are awake, you may save them from images that will haunt them for the rest of their lives. At the same time, even toddlers pick up on adult emotions. You can tell toddlers that you are sad but not because of them. If they persist in asking why you are sad, you can even say that some people got hurt, but that your family is safe." -Alvin Pouissant, MD, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, and Susan Linn, Ed.D., Associate Director of The Media Center at Judge Baker Children's Center

"Children at this age begin to understand events in context, but often one piece at a time. For example, a child may know something intellectually, like the fact that 'The war is far away.' But he may still duck when he hears a plan fly overhead. This is because his intellectual awareness is not integrated with his emotional response, and he still feels scared." -PBS Parents

"They . . . may not realize a single incident is rebroadcast and so may think many more people are involved than is the case. In addition, the graphic and immediate nature of news makes it seem as if the conflict is close to home-perhaps around the corner." -Robin F. Goodman, Ph.D., Director of the NYU Child Study Center

"School aged children can certainly understand the difference between fantasy and reality but may have trouble keeping them separate at certain times. Therefore they may equate a scene from a scary movie with news footage and thus think that the news events are worse than they really are." -Robin F. Goodmann, Ph.D., Director of the NYU Child Study Center

"Once children are capable of logical thinking, they are also able to see contradictions between what war is and what they've been told-not to fight or hurt other people at home or school. Some children will bring it up and be confused or mad about it." -Nancy Carlsson-Paige, Ed.D., Co-Author of Before Push Comes to Shove

"[Some] children will identify with the aggressor in a war or who they deem to be the 'strong guy'. They may throw their support and enthusiasm in favor of a military action or more aggressive solution which may even contradict the parents' values or beliefs. The reverse is also true-sometimes the children of parents who support a military action will identify with the victims and oppose it." -Susanna Neumann, Ph.D., psychologist at the Rockefeller University Child and Family Center

"Middle school and high school age children may be interested and intrigued by the politics of a situation and feel a need to take a stand or action. They may show a desire to be involved in political or charitable activities related to the violent acts.
"Middle school children are in the midst of peer struggles and are developing a mature moral outlook. Concerns about fairness and punishment will be more prevalent among this age group.
"Teens consider larger issues related to ethics, politics, and even their own involvement in a potential response through the armed services. Teenagers, like adults, may become reflective about life, re-examining their priorities and interests."-Robin F. Goodman, Ph.D., Director of the NYU Child Study Center

Apply the advice above based on age and maturity to speaking to children. Additionally, trust your parental instincts: you know how your child deals with joy, as well as anger and stress.

The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry recommends parents "[c]reate a time and place for children to ask their questions. Don't force children to talk about things until they're ready."

Children often interpret war and violence very differently than adults. When young children see or hear about violent events, they may worry about their own safety. Because they are not able to fully understand things like cause and effect, and even distance, it's hard for them to make distinctions between an immediate threat and one that is far away.

A young child's words may not mean the same as your own. The meanings children have for words are always changing with development and experience. For example, for a young child, a term like "far away" might mean a half-hour drive in the car, as opposed to another part of the world.

Don't over-explain, but do clear up confusions. "If a 5-year-old said, 'Do all airplanes have bombs?' that's both a factual question and something she is worried about," says Nancy Carlsson-Paige, Ed.D. "In response you might say, 'No, just some planes carry bombs, but not the planes our family goes on.'"

Tell your child just what he needs to know. At times, a partial truth may be more useful to your child than the whole truth. "I think it's really important to understand the question from the perspective of a child. You don't need to tell a young child about probability," says Susanna Neumann, Ph.D. "A good analogy is how you might talk about sex," adds Nancy Carlsson-Paige, Ed.D. "You obviously wouldn't explain everything to a 5-year-old. Talking about issues of violence and safety is similar."

Be open to your child's ideas, even if you disagree. Rather than tell her she is wrong, or correct her with your own . . . answer, try asking specific questions. This encourages your child to elaborate on her ideas, make connections and become a critical, independent thinker. "Her ability to think through it herself will also help her contain and diminish anxiety," says Susanna Neumann, Ph.D.

As Arab-Americans, we are constantly bombarded with bias against our community—images of suicide bombings expanded to represent the Arab people as a whole, government officials discussing the possibility of internment of Arab-Americans, and so forth. These images and discussions are difficult for us to deal with as adults; however, it is far more difficult for our children. Part of growing up is developing a personal identity, and when a child is inundated with negative images about her/his ethnic background, the result can be internal conflict, confusion, or anger towards the cultural heritage.

In times of war, like the present, patriotism becomes mixed with jingoism and a “you’re either with us or against us” mentality. It becomes acutely difficult to be a member of the perceived enemy’s group. Many Arab-American children are feeling confused right now: who should they side with? Are they “the enemy” because they’re Arab too? Is the military going to come after them and their family? What about relatives back home in the Arab world? As trusted adults, it is our duty to help children feel secure in this critical time. Additionally, this is an opportune time to teach children about stereotypes, tolerance, and their culture.

As with discussing any serious matter, it is important to consider the child’s age and personality (see above for more detail). If a child comes to you with questions, before answering, figure out where those questions originated and what exactly the child is asking. Did they hear something on TV or the playground? Did someone say something specifically to them? Nancy Carlsson-Paige, Ed.D. suggests adults “ask an open-ended [question] to find out what she knows. Based on her answer, you might ask another question or clear up confusion. A question like ‘Who is Saddam Hussein?’ might mean the child needs reassurance about her own safety. She could really be asking, ‘Am I safe?’”

If your child does not come to you with questions, set up a comfortable place and time to talk about the war. Again, try and figure out what the child might already know and what feelings, if any, s/he might not be sharing. S/he might have heard something but felt uncomfortable coming to you to discuss. If s/he was holding back questions or feelings, make it clear that you are always willing to listen with an open mind and that you will try to help her/him with any problems s/he might be having. At the same time though, if your child does not feel like talking, don’t force them to talk. Robin F. Goodman, Ph.D. advises, “Adults should . . . respect a child’s wish not to talk about particular issues until ready. Attending to nonverbal reactions, such as facial expression or posture, play behavior, verbal tone, or content of a child’s expression or posture, play behavior, verbal tone, or content of a child’s expression offer important clues to a child’s reactions and unspoken need to talk.”

Your child may ask you some tough questions. Remember to trust your own parental instincts; you know your child and how s/he reacts to various situations. Also remember that children are smarter than we give them credit—don’t lie because you feel it would protect them. As Dr. Goodman asserts, “Contrary to parents’ fears, talking about violent acts will not increase a child’s fear. Having children keep scared feelings to themselves is more damaging than open discussion.” The following are possible questions s/he might ask, and suggestions on how to answer.

Dr. Carlsson-Paige suggests, “Before I’d give an answer, I’d say, ‘Tell me what you know about it.’ A lot of times a child has an idea and wants to tell you what she thinks. And after she tells you, maybe the conversation will drop there. If the child seems confused or needs to talk more, ask additional questions. But you may not have to say what war actually is, because that’s not what the child is necessarily asking. But if she asks again, you have to answer it in a way that makes sense to the child and then allow room for the child to ask a follow-up question.”

You should always tell a child that s/he is safe. Talk about all the people working to make sure s/he is safe—parents, friends, teachers, police officers, etc. Ask why s/he thinks s/he is not safe. Constantly reassure her/him that you are looking out for her/him. Dr. Alvin Pouissant maintains, “[S]ome kids live daily with the lack of safety in their environments. When these children ask, ‘Am I safe?’ you may have to coach them about [how to be safe] in their neighborhood.”

Again, ask why s/he thinks they might not be safe. Did s/he see something on television? Fred Rogers, better known as Mr. Rogers, would say, “When I was a boy and would see scary things on the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, that’s where I focus my attention—to the many caring people in the world.” If your family is in Iraq or in the neighboring countries, let your child know they have a security plan in place. If at all possible, call your family and let your child speak with them directly. Hearing their voices might reassure her/him that they’re alright.

Older kids may have read news discussing the death toll or other sad facts. S/he might be angry and scared. Validate these feelings, and share your own concerns. S/he may need a place to channel this energy. Suggest ways that s/he can help from here in the U.S.: writing letters to officials calling for the end of the war, raising money for anti-war and humanitarian organizations, volunteering for a local organization are some ideas. (Also, see “What can I do to help?” below.)

There are several parts to this answer. First and foremost, ask why s/he thinks Arab-Americans may be the enemy. Did someone say something to her/him at school? Find out the details, and talk to her/his teacher or principal as soon as possible. The ADC Education Department can advise you on this process.

Secondly, find out what s/he thinks about this statement. Does s/he think that all Arabs or Arab-Americans are the enemy? What does s/he mean by that? If your child does respond with answers such as “I’ve heard that all Arabs are violent,” or another similar stereotype, remember to be calm and open, rather than angry and lecturing. By lecturing or yelling, your child’s response will probably be to shut down. Take this as a learning opportunity and discuss stereotypes.

Ask what s/he thinks about various Arabs or Arab-Americans your family knows or is related to—are those people of the same stereotype s/he stated? Does s/he think it’s fair to put those people in the same category? Discuss that in all groups—whether ethnic, religious, political—some act with good intentions and some act with bad intentions. For younger kids, ask what s/he thinks of kids younger than her/himself—are all preschoolers or kindergartners babies who wet their pants? Is it fair to think that of every preschooler or kindergartner? For older kids, ask what s/he thinks of Latinos or African-Americans. Does s/he think it’s fair that all Latinos are categorized as illegal aliens or drug dealers? Does s/he think it’s fair that African-Americans are stereotyped as gang members? The ADC Education Department can provide you with more information about stereotypes for follow-up discussions.

As before, it is extremely important to keep in mind a child’s age when answering this question. Delve into this question. S/he is probably concerned with the security of the family. If the child is young, it may be best to simply reassure her/him that s/he is safe and not fully answer the question.

If the kid is older, s/he may have read something and wants to discuss it with you. Be honest about your own personal situation. If you think there is a risk of something happening to yourself or other members of your family, be honest. Explain the issues in a manner that will make sense to her/his age level. Bring up the events of September 11, 2001, and explain that the government is so concerned with similar events taking place again that some officials are going overboard creating what they perceive to be safety precautions. If the child is old enough, talk about other events in history in which the government has gone overboard, such as the Japanese-American internment following the attacks on Pearl Harbor. Bring up the fact that the government felt very remorseful of those events. It’s alright to share your own fears and concerns. Ask your child about her/his own concerns as well. This is an issue well worth revisiting, as it may be very troubling, particularly if you or other members of your families or friends are at risk.

This issue returns to the pull of both the Arab and American cultures. Your child might actually be asking “Who am I?” Dig into exactly what s/he is asking and discuss from there. If s/he is actually asking politically, in terms of this war, who you or your family is “siding” with, be honest about your feelings. Keep in mind that children mirror their parents or other trusted adults: if you are trying to teach your child the negatives of stereotyping, it’s extremely important that you yourself do not stereotype.

Additionally, remember that your child might not agree with your opinions. Your child is entitled to her/his opinion and you must respect that. There may be reasons other than political that are influencing those opinions—pressure at school, a need for rebellion, and so forth. If your child is supporting the war because of a need to feel patriotic, remind her/him that one does not need to support every action of the government in order to be a “true” American. Use the voting process as an illustration of this fact—if each Americans needed to support every action of the government, what would be the purpose of voting? Explore her/his thoughts by asking open-ended questions and providing reading material. Remember not to lecture or yell if you are interested in keeping the lines of communication open.

Dr. Alvin Pouissant suggests, “For children who have family members, or classmates with family members in the military, sending greeting cards individually or as a class project can be helpful. If the family is religious, you can suggest the child say a prayer for peace and everyone’s safety. Children can also write to the President [and other elected officials] asking for a speedy end to the war so American troops can return home. Encourage older children and adolescents to get involved . . . Be open to any suggestions coming from the children themselves.” (Also, see “Are our relatives back home safe?” above.)